Two Funerals
Two and a half years ago, Grandma E died. It was sad, but
she and I hadn’t been that close. I just remember thinking “At least it isn’t
Grandma H!” Well, Grandma H passed away last week leaving me with a lot to
ponder and think about. (And cry about!)
One night as I sat pondering, I pondered on the difference
between the two funerals. There’s nothing like a funeral to really articulate a
person’s life and bring it into focus. While viewing their lives through the lens
of the two funerals, I came to the realization that I am very much like both of
them, and I can take what I have learned from each of them and consciously
choose to become the person I want to become.
Grandma H lived in Fresno,
CA when I was a child. We only
spent about a week every other year there, but I always felt so special and
loved when I was there. Visits to Grandma’s house were filled with soda, ice
cream, home-made milkshakes, swimming in the pool, candy, and movies. She was
fun and fun to be with. She understood children and accepted us for who we
were.
A year before I started college at BYU, she moved to Provo leaving her home
and roots behind to be there for her college aged grandchildren. And was she
ever!
She wanted her grand children to know each other. But she didn’t
stop there. She created the opportunities. Dinners, ice cream, milk shakes,
get-togethers, FHE’s, stop in visits, white elephant gift exchanges, parties
and reunions; you name it she did it.
Over the years we have kept in touch. She used to be mobile
and just drop in to stay hi. Or she would invite us over for dinner. As time
went on and her abilities diminished, we would bring dinner to her, or she
would invite us over for milkshakes and later ice cream. Her freezer always had
ice cream.
I remember sitting in her driveway watching the fireworks
over Stadium of Fire. I remember the phone calls on your birthday and the phone
calls just because. Phone calls were always short because she didn’t want to
inconvenience you or take too much of your time.
One day she called me out of the blue. She had been reading
an article on foster care and I guessed in a way realized what I do. She called
to tell me how wonderful I was and what a good job I was doing. I will admit I
had tears running down my face as I enjoyed someone finally “getting me” and
being ok with who I am. She was definitely a cheerleader.
After my mom passed 13 years ago, Grandma has filled that
“mother” role in my life fully and capably.
Her funeral was a dedication to relationships that she had
nurtured with not only herself but between her offspring. The chapel was
packed. Grand children came from all over the world to be there for her
funeral. The amazing thing was that we all know each other and care for each
other. It was a room full of love, laughter, and tears. But not only that, her
funeral was full of friends both old and new.
At her funeral someone mentioned that she was an individual
person. The individual was important to her and each person in her life felt
loved and special, as if they were the most important person to her.
She has always been my role model in life, and the one
person I look to for how to “do life”. I want to live my life like she lived
hers.
My relationship with Grandma E was a completely different
story. Even though we lived within a few miles of her for most of my life, it
just wasn’t the same. “Children should be seen and not heard” was the mantra
never spoken but always implied. Feet shouldn’t be on the furniture. No running
in the house. Only take one jelly bean. Don’t touch the walls. Don’t run on the
side walks. Don’t bother the neighbors.
She was very particular. “A place for everything and
everything in its place” was often heard and always lived. I worked as a
housekeeper for her during one summer. The carpet had to be gone over with the
vacuum cleaner five times. The tracks in the carpet must overlap by just so
much. The proper cleaner had to be used for each sink and surface. She was very
particular, but I appreciated the education in home maintenance.
Things were important to her. She kept everything. And I
mean everything. She taught me that I should freeze cake crumbs to put on ice
cream later. And to keep things because you don’t know when you will someday
need it. One day when helping her move we were packing canning jars. She
brought out a bag full of those foam trays you get bakery items on. We broke
them up and used them to pack the jars.
She was an excellent cook. I thoroughly enjoyed Sunday
dinner at her home. Roast beef, mashed potatoes and homemade gravy, vegetables
and home made rolls. Dessert was starlight cake and ice cream. And as always,
dinner was served on a cloth draped table with good china.
She taught me canning and baking. She taught me how to make
mashed potatoes with a Bosch. Many of my recipes (and subsequent holiday
memories) come from her recipe book.
For my wedding she gave me kitchen tools along with little
notes. The messages were clear. Take care of my family, feed them properly, be
the perfect wife and mother.
She valued her family. She valued family relationships. But
there was always a distance. She imposed what she wanted you to be, whereas
Grandma H loved you for who you were.
The eulogy at Grandma E’s funeral was very long.. It was
full of what she did during her life. Her accomplishments and awards; her
volunteer work and paid work. She was even Mother of the Year! Her obituary
filled an entire newspaper column. As I sat listening to the list of her
accomplishments, I got exhausted just thinking about it all. It made me
remember my Dad’s offhanded remark at the viewing that, “She wore us all out.”
For her long life though, there were relatively few people at
the funeral. Many didn’t feel comfortable bringing their children because they
knew she wouldn’t like the noise. The family was almost all that was in
attendance. Someone remarked it was because she outlived her friends. Which I
believed until I saw Grandma H’s funeral packed full of old friends and new as
well as the family including grand children and great grand children.
This pondering of their two lives had made me realize I am
very much like both of them.
Like my Grandma E, I love to cook. I have been baking
cookies since I was 8. I can bottle a hundred bottles of fruit in one day and
serve large numbers of people healthy meals incorporating home grown produce. I
take pride in being a good homemaker and creating a nice environment for my
children. I too like to teach my children the value of hard work. My dinner
parties are elaborate with table cloths and linen napkins. And I too have a
place for everything. I’m just working on everything in its place! (I do not
keep things though. DI is my storage unit!)
Just like Grandma E, I am very much a do-er. I like to get
things done. My accomplishments are important to me. But I too can overdo it
and forget about the people side of things.
Which is why I look up to, adore, and try to emulate Grandma
H. Like my Grandma H, I value my relationships. I want to be that personable
loving kind person who loves everyone for who they are and cheer them on in
their life’s journey. I want my home to be full of babies and children and
teens and young adults and not so young adults as my life progresses. I want a
cabinet full of toys and a place for grandchildren to play. I want my home to
be a place to crash and cry and a place to stay and play.
I need to remember that the relationships will always be
more important that the check-off list or the dinner party or a completed project.
Grandma H wasn’t valued for her accomplishments. She was valued because of the
relationships she had with each individual. I need to remember that and live
it.
Both women play a significant role in my life. And now that
they are both gone, I realize their legacy lives on in me. It is up to me to
balance the lessons I have learned from each of them to become the woman I
desire to become. And it is now on my shoulders to pass their lives and
knowledge and wisdom to the next generation through how I live my life.
Rachel Rehm
4/21/2014
